On Infinity and Peepee

Infinity, commonly expressed as a “you know, like a sideways 8,” is defined as: “an indefinitely great number or amount.” It is a concept that has always been difficult for the majority of Americans to grasp, so I have taken the liberty to illustrate it here via a technique that they are intimately familiar with:

That which troubles us the most about infinity is its contradiction with our expectation that everything must end. After all, middle school gradually comes to a stop, monster truck rallies often end unexpectedly, and many people often die, particularly in the movie Death Race. But infinity has no such tangible ending. Every Calvin in the Infinity Peepee Spiral, you see, has experienced everything that has ever existed and ever will. Ever.

Observe: (Calvin numbers are listed in relative inward order from the top-most Calvin represented in the image, although it technically doesn’t matter because there are an infinite number of Calvins in each direction.)

Calvin #2.57e4 is randomly mashing his balls on a typewriter and has created an exact verbatim retype of all the works of Shakespeare, only every instance of the word “thee” is an instance of the word “fudgepacker.”

Calvin #1.345e2 can eat lightning and crap thunder.

Calvin #7.8e12 started that whole fucking Chuck Norris joke thing.

Calvin #78,056,946,864’s urine is leaking onto the ground in such a way that the droplets coalesce to form an exact image of God creating Adam from the Sistine Chapel ceiling.

Calvin #2.3456e78 exists permanently in a looping beat-for-beat remake of The Little Mermaid, including the deleted “pissing” scene.

Calvin #3.458e12 loves wieners, but all he can distinguish is his own. Bummer.

Calvin #4.58e9,682,749,550 is technically not anywhere near the inside of the observable universe and also apparently ate a lot of asparagus.

Calvin #9.596e8 has AIDS, causing an anomaly that ripples through the remaining Calvin Cloud at a speed roughly measured as 4.8 CU (Calvin Units) per second, expected to reach subatomic viability in our portion of the universe in 6.8 billion years, coincidentally when everyone will die of intergalactic AIDS.

Calvin #4.57e12 is technically Jesus, but don’t tell anyone, it’s still a really big secret.

Calvin #6.4568e23 caused the Big Bang when he rapidly turned around and whizzed on an electric fence.

Calvin #1.356e23 is urinating on a giant Dodge logo.

Calvin #9.342e134 is praying to a giant cross, which is WAY MORE OFFENSIVE THAN CALVIN URINATING ON SOMETHING BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL CHARACTER WOULD NEVER, EVER DO THAT. Just because rednecks stole something from Bill Watterson's mind doesn't mean that Christians get to do the same.

Calvin #4.6e44 is really just jerking off.

Calvin #1.323e11 can levitate your mom with his mind. But only your mom. And he has to have a few drinks first.

Calvin #4.678e32 looks exactly like me and experienced virtually all of the same things, only he fell off his bike in the 3^rd grade and broke his leg. Also he became a billionaire and runs a space tourism company. Fucker.